Honestly I’m a trainwreck. From the outside looking in people think I have it all together. I live in a fairly affluent neighbourhood. I have a job that pays into the six figures. I have an attitude that suggests I’m stronger than diamonds… the reality? My life is a mess. Financially I’m screwed, emotionally, most days I don’t want to get out of bed. I’m very disenchanted with life and everyday feels like an uphill battle. Like I just have to trudge through it, to get to tomorrow. There are glimpses of joy and happiness, but they are fleeting. Those moments when I feel a bit of reprieve are usually the moments when I am able to forget about my reality. But the thing with reality is that you can’t escape it. It’s always there, stalking you.
The moment when it came crashing down? My seven year old son didn’t want to go to school. There was no real reason. He’s been a bit more emotional lately. Moody, maybe just trying to figure out his own feelings. I tried to reason with him, then I tried to be stern. Then I simply told him that if I don’t go to work, I can’t afford to pay the bills, to buy him food and clothes and toys… Maybe that was over his head. Maybe he get’s it on some level. But that is my reality. I am worried that if I miss work when my kids are clearly going through it and having their own emotional breakdowns, that my entire life would fall apart. That I’m literally one missed day of work from being fired and if that happens I have no safety net.
Talk about my reality hitting a new low. Part of me seriously wants to run away. Pack up everything, sell the house I fought so hard to keep after my divorce, so that my kids had consistency… just get rid of it all. Send the kids to their dads and just… I don’t know… float away. Truth is many days, I feel like I’m so close to just letting it all collapse. The life I’ve built is too much work, it’s killing me. I’m dead inside. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I just want to rest.
And as much as I want to to run away. As much as I want to let it all just vanish. I can’t. there’s this piece of me, albeit sometimes almost hard to find… that doesn’t want to quit. So what do I do?
I know I’m not the only one that feels like this. There are so many single moms out there… hell even happily married moms… who are just tired. Like how to do we do it? How do we keep it all together when we feel like a vacant shell of a human.
I’m tired. So I’m here. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I have no idea what I’m hoping for. I just need an outlet maybe. I need to just vomit all the words out. I know how low I feel… I know there’s other women out there feeling some variation of the same. You’re not alone. I am you. And it’s incredible to me that seems to be societally just normal. Like everyone has to just live like this. Can’t pay your bills, can’t manage your mental health, feel like you’re on an island alone… really? This is it?
Just know, if you feel like any of this resonates. You really are not alone. And please don’t get me wrong, I’m not a negative person. I’m a realist… and my reality is telling me I’m screwed… so I can either jump ship… burn it all to the ground, or I can find another way. For now… I’m going to try and find another way. Maybe if I can find the other way, you can too. Maybe we can figure it our together.
I see you. I am you. You are not alone.
XOXO,
That Mama In Charge (fake it until you make it right?)